Completely....

Done.  Completely done.  Exhausted.  Completely exhausted. Moved out. Completely moved out.  Moved in. Completely moved in. On vacation. Completely on vacation. :)

Hit by a mac truck.

Day one:

 Morning session: not so bad.

 Afternoon session: raked over the coals.  I may have to come back to Topkea in February. :(

Mary + Martha = Goodness

I'm sitting here, nearly completely ready to take the bar exam, trying to keep in mind things that are  truly important in this world, and of course, my thoughts turn to faith. Today is the feast of St. Martha.  This is the Martha who is the sister to Lazarus and to Mary (not the mother of God, nor Mary Magdeline, I think) and the moments before Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead appears in today's gospel.  In this reading, we see Martha coming out to greet Jesus on his way to their house.  Jesus asks her if she believes that Lazarus will be risen from the dead, and she says "yes, in the resurrection".  But Jesus tells her things are much simpler than that; he is the resurrection and, unbeknownst to Martha, he will bring him back to life just a few moments later.

The other gospel passage where we prominently see Martha is another time when Jesus comes to visit her family (verses 38-42, if you are curious). While Jesus is there telling the word of God, Mary sits at Jesus' feet while Martha does all the preparations for the meal.  Eventually, Martha complains to Jesus that Mary isn't helping with the preparations and imposes upon Jesus to get her to do so.  Jesus than repudiates Martha, telling her that we all have our places in life and that Mary has chosen the better half...to listen contently to the word of God, realizing He and all of His promises encompass everything we will ever need.

I find myself often being a Martha. Part of it comes from my family...my mom is DEFINITELY a Martha, and I'm sure I get much of my inability to sit down and restrain myself from helping at dinner parties from her.  But part of being a Martha means that I over think...everything.  I worry about what is to come before facing what is right in front of me.  Martha is a woman of great faith and trust in God, and I would like to think that I am the same. But I often get so caught up on everything around me I forget to focus in on the things that really matter.  Today my prayer is obviously to get through the bar exam, but to show the faith of Martha with the simplicity of Mary.  I have to remember that ultimately, this is not up to me anymore (nor was it ever really). I've done what I can do and the rest is up to the big guy upstairs...and as one of my friends put it...he is certainly big enough to handle this one exam.  Moreover, I know that no matter what happens, he has shown me time and time again that I won't be left to fend for myself.  "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat (or drink), or about your body, what you will wear.  Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not more important than they?"  (Matthew 6:25-26)

I thank you all for your prayers. I know the calm I'm feeling this morning is a direct result of that. I ask that you keep them up because I will certainly need them over the next 36 hours.

Thoughts from a more calm, but still nervous, me

Well, I'm in my hotel room at the conference center where the bar is being administered.  I'm a little calmer than when I wrote this morning, but rather than having a near panic attack, now I just have the butterflies.  Things are going to be okay...I've studied all I can and I probably know more than I realize.  Now I just have to apply it.  

I'll see you all on the flip side....

Terrified

I am scared out of my mind.  The test is here. I'm not performing well on my practice questions.  It seems that everyone else can rattle off more elements than I.  I have never been this scared about a test in my life.  

Dear Lord, please be with me. Please help me think through things clearly and correctly.  If it is your will that I not pass, please help me deal with that in a mature and positive manner.  Regardless, I know I can't do this without you, so please, just be there.

A day of stupid

Today was a day of stupid: me being stupid, other people being stupid, the whole world being stupid.

My first stupid move was to get up and go for a run. I haven't run in a week and a half (or worked out at all, for that matter) and something inside of me said thought that would be a good idea.  Wrong  Although I did 3.75 miles, a good portion of it was walked. And oh yeah, did I mention I didn't drink any water yesterday and it's about 400% humidity outside.  Stupid #1.

I think that stupid #1 was a significant factor in stupid #2: performing horrendously on the practice questions I did this morning.  Part of the stupidity is that many of my errors were just reading errors.  (That's where stupid #1 comes in...I'm just exhausted.)

Stupid #3: I bolt out of the library because I'm freaking myself out by my practice exam, and make my way to Kansas City to take care of a couple errands I MUST do before bar/ vacation.  On the way there, I stop at the public library to return some CDs I borrowed.  Unfortunately, I broke one of the CDs, but being the prudent person I am, I purchased another and took them in to tell them of my situation. But the library doesn't accept replacements...of the exact same thing.  They can get them somewhere else cheaper. What the hell?!  What does it matter if you can get it cheaper! I already bought it! Here it is! Just take it!  Now I'm stuck with a CD that I only mildly liked and had to purchase via bestbuy.com b/c it's not a common one.  That is the world's stupidest policy.

Stupid #4 On the way, stupid man with Louisiana plates, a trailer, and two confederate flags nearly causes me to get into an accident.  Then, when I pass him, he gives me the look of death and cuts me off so that he nearly avoids hitting a semi.

Stupid #5: I take my computer to the apple store (one of the errands I needed to do) and they basically tell me there is nothing wrong with it.  (Note: I did tell them how stressed I was, how I drove an hour to get there, and I had already done some preliminary work on my own and it wasn't helping and they let me see a mac genius when I didn't have an appointment.  Thank you Apple Store, seriously.) But, I got home this evening and the problem is still there. I may be going back soon.

Stupid #6: I get to my second errand and tell the lady the basic of what I need and I stare at her like a deer in headlights because I'm so tired I can't articulate what I need/ want.  This happens at least 3 times.

Stupid #7: I walk out of the mall and have no idea where my car is. Literally, no idea.  Please keep in mind, it is still 400% humidity out there.

So, now it's 9:18 p.m. on a Saturday night. The night before my last day of studying.  My second to last night in my house.  And I can't tell you how anxious I am to bid this stupid, stupid day adieu.  

3 down, 4 to go

This is day 4 of 12 hours of studying.  I'm exhausted, and I look like it, too.  More specifically, I look like I've been crying for days.  Last night was the first time (fortunately)  I started reviewing elements of certain things in my mind while sleeping (contract formation).  I also seem to be grinding my teeth a lot more at night, and if don't wear my retainers (yes, I still have retainers) my jaw hurts all the next day.  But overall I would say I'm doing pretty okay.  We are in the home stretch for sure.

Yesterday, after three years, was my last day at the library.  It was kind of anti-climactic both because 1) the bar and 2) there are SO many of us who are moving on and ending our tenure at the library this week.  I will miss my job.....never again will I get paid to sit and do whatever the heck I want.

If you're in Iowa...watch out. My 14 year-old brother got his permit two day ago.  He's proud b/c he only had to take the test once (which is one time less than I had to take it...but the first time, I only missed by ONE question).  He says he "beat" me. Well, I have a feeling he'll continue to beat me in a lot of things in life. That's just the way it's going to go.

Okay, on to studying.  Keep those prayers up!  They are helping!

T-minus 7 days

I'm exhausted. I have never felt so physically worn out in my whole life (or at least as long as I can remember). I haven't been doing anything except studying, but it's a draining experience like none other. I've given up working out for now...I don't even really think about going to the gym (which is very weird for me). I'm going to take the Monday right before the exam (read: a week from today) off to make sure I am well rested and at my mental best for Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm not stressed out about passing. I'm sure i have the ability to pass, and have come to peace with the idea (fact) that God will take care of me no matter what happens. I'm just worried about not reviewing everything before I have to apply it. I know I'm not going to know everything, and that's okay. And knowing I"ll be okay no matter the outcome is great, but despite those two factors, it doesn't relieve me of a continued effort to learn and know as much as I can before it's go time. Today, I did my duty. I didn't get nearly as far as I would like, but ask me about personal or subject matter jurisdiction qualifications (the basics); I can tell you. :) Oddly enough, I'm even understanding commercial paper (just a little bit) in my emaciated state. Hopefully I retain some of that information.

Third Time's a Charm

Last update for the day, I promise:

I don't often go and look at my actual blog; I just post comments and let it go.  But something inspired me to go look at the actual page.  In doing so, I realize that I appear fairly bi-polar right now....happy in some posts, extremely disgruntled in others.  That's me dealing with the harsh realities of the bar exam, but trying to keep things in perspective. Don't worry...I'm okay (but I'll still punch you if you tell me I'm going to do fine). :)

Grrrrrrrr.....

I think if I hear ONE more person tell me that "you'll do fine" on the bar exam, I'm going to pop them in the nose.

A broken, but oh so beautiful, record

I've said it before, and I'll probably say it (or at least think it) about one-hundred trillion times throughout the rest of my life, but I have the best friends in the whole world.

Last night I asked a couple of my friends (my burley man friends, as I like to call them) to help me move my big stuff-- bookshelf, desk, dresser-- to my new house.  My friend Jeff brought his truck, and we loaded everything in there without any problem.  The problem came when we went to journey from existing house to new house: the truck, with all the stuff in it, didn't make it up the first hill. (I was driving ahead of the truck, and all of the sudden it wasn't in my rear-view mirror anymore. I kept waiting for a movie-esque moment where you see the car come above the horizon, dust trailing behind as the sun cooly sets in the background. That didn't happen)

I went back to see what was going on and the boys were stopped on the side of the road. Jeff said that he dropped the battery when coming up to lawrence, so he was pretty sure that it was the cause of the problem.  We first tried to jump the battery with a little mini-starter Nick (my other burley man friend) had, but remembered that he used this week and forgot to charge it. No good.  Then we tried to find jumper cables. I didn't have any; neither did Jeff or Nick. I called my roommate (since we were only 3 blocks from my house), no go. My boss lives close to where we were, so I tried going to his house to see if he had jumper cables. Not home.  Jeff's dad was in town, so he came over, then went to someone's house, found jumper cables. Woo hoo!  Actually, not.  After playing with jumper cables for at least 15 minutes, we're still stranded.

Jeff's dad then comes up with a plan: call AAA, get the truck towed to Jeff's Uncle's shop, pick up Jeff's grandpa's truck, and then move the stuff to my place then. Okay, sounds goods.    Jeff's aunt had already started calling AAA under her account, but since I remembered that I have AAA also, and you must be present to redeem AAA, I told her to switch to my card.  She and Jeff's Dad were late for a dinner, so we told them to go and we could take care of it from there.  I told AAA my membership number, and they told me that my account had expired. WHAT?    I was transferred 3 times before they told me that we had simply failed to renew.  Next phone call: an angry one to my parents.  And oh yeah, did I mention that I took a 6 hour practice test for the bar and am only 11 days away from the actual test at this point?

Apparently my mom HAD renewed our AAA membership...or was in the process. I did technically expire in June, but they told my mom we would be fine until July 31 (yesterday was the 18th...).  She had sent the first part of the membership fee in in June, and sent the second part (to make the complete membership fee) in just on TUESDAY.  Well, apparently they hadn't processed it yet. So, my mom called in, and 15 minutes later, my membership was renewed.  In the mean time, Jeff had called his mom, got her membership number, initiated the AAA process (which often takes a while) with her membership, while Nick went to the place where his parents/ aunt were having dinner to get her AAA card for when the people came to get us.

Finally 1/2 an hour later, the tow truck came and we executed the plan as anticipated.  My friends Adam and Jody even showed up with their truck so that we only had to make one trip from the tow place to my new place.

My friends are the best. They stuck with me through the whole thing, kept me calm, and came to my rescue. They selflessly gave and asked nothing in return. I often feel I don't do a good job of doing the same thing for them, but hopefully the next time they need me, I can remember this situation and jump all over the chance to pay it forward.

This sucks

Despite my last post, I'm back to complaining.  Today was NOT a good study day.  I stayed up too late last night watching a movie I thought would relax me, had a very frustrating day studying, and am now so tired I can barely function. I"m going to bed...after I get another scoop of frosting to help me wallow away exhaustion.

I am the luckiest

A lot of things have happened over the past couple weeks to cause me to stop and contemplate the fragility of life. Around the 4th of July, a law student was murdered. Last weekend when I went home, I saw a family friend who has been diagnosed with Lou Gerigh's disease and isn't projected to live for many more years. Last night, a motorcyclist was killed and a brutal traffic accident, and I was also told that one of my friends, and one of the most resilient and extraordinary women I have ever met, had a stroke last week. She is 35.

I realize that I've been complaining a lot about how this summer is just awful, but I hope everyone knows that below that sarcasm and minor pieces of truth, I am truly grateful for everything I have, my talents, my gifts, my family, my friends, my faith, etc. Hopefully there won't ever be a day where I don't wake up and, at least at some point, realize how lucky I am to be alive, living this messed-up, awful, beautiful, magical little thing called life.

My summer....and my sentiments

This is how I've spent all summer...both the action and the facial expression clearly express its bleakness.

Hoe down!

Sorry for not updating for a while.  Life has been busy.  Other than studying, I went home this weekend for one of my good friends' weddings.  Because I don't have much time or motivation, I'm just going to post a few pictures.  She had a square dance caller for her dance and made everyone bandanas.  It was awesome. Of course, I had to be the boy when were dancing (again not enough boys, me being the tall one, like always), but Megan (my bff from HS) was a good dance partner and it was fun anyway.  And by the way, when she and I are together, we act like we're 12...every time. It's awesome. :)

whine and cheese

My phone is broken. I don't know what happened to it.  Monday, I made a comment to my roommate that it didn't like the sound it was making when it opened and closed.  Last night, it assumed the position you see in the last two pictures.  In order to keep it closed, I have to secure it with a rubber band.  Verizon says that the warranty only covers manufacturer's defects, and since I don't have insurance, I'll just have to get a new phone.  That means going back to my chocolate. Not so crazy about that.  I can still use the phone for now, but it's not the most functional thing.  Bah.

I picked up a dress from the dry cleaner today. The dress cost me $15.  The dry cleaning cost me $10. Seriously? Seriously.

We took a practice MBE today. I didn't do crazy good, but I think I did all right. I have 2 1/2 weeks to kick it into gear and earn a lot more points.  Prayers, please.

I removed myself from facebook until after the bar. Sorry for any confusion that may cause.

I'm done complaining for now. I'm just too tired to continue. 8 hours of class tomorrow. Can't wait for that....

Snip, snip....ahhhh!!

I got my hair cut. It is MUCH too short. So short I feel kind of bald. It's my own fault...I told the girl to go shorter, and next thing I knew...BAM!  Fortunately, I get to live in a hole for the next 3 weeks so 1) it's okay I look awful, and 2) hopefully by the time I resurface, it will be somewhat presentable. Ick.

asdfjkl;

I'm kind of devoid of things to post right now.  It seems my mind has been wiped of anything creative to say the past couple days, so I will just post random thoughts that will hopefully be entertaining.

-  The career services lady (Laverta, for those of you who know her) is hosting a 4th of July Ice Cream Social in the law school in about 10 minutes.  She has her whole waiting area decorated (balloons, wall decorations, tablecloths, themed utensils, etc...) and has been playing patriotic marches all day.  She's so cute.

- I love Bowl Appetite Three Cheese Rotini.

- I made it to DogDays at 6 a.m. on Tuesday. The friend I promised to go with didn't show up. boo.  Now it's Thursday, and although the exercise itself wasn't too killer at the time, my hammies are still sore.

- I saw my new house on Tuesday.  I'm a little nervous about moving, but i think it's gonna be great.

- Ice Cream is also delicious.

- I have been able to get my contacts in to my eyes on the first try for the past 4 days I've worn them. Yippie!!

Okay, my random thoughts are now also exhausted.