Completely....

Done.  Completely done.  Exhausted.  Completely exhausted. Moved out. Completely moved out.  Moved in. Completely moved in. On vacation. Completely on vacation. :)

Hit by a mac truck.

Day one:

 Morning session: not so bad.

 Afternoon session: raked over the coals.  I may have to come back to Topkea in February. :(

Mary + Martha = Goodness

I'm sitting here, nearly completely ready to take the bar exam, trying to keep in mind things that are  truly important in this world, and of course, my thoughts turn to faith. Today is the feast of St. Martha.  This is the Martha who is the sister to Lazarus and to Mary (not the mother of God, nor Mary Magdeline, I think) and the moments before Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead appears in today's gospel.  In this reading, we see Martha coming out to greet Jesus on his way to their house.  Jesus asks her if she believes that Lazarus will be risen from the dead, and she says "yes, in the resurrection".  But Jesus tells her things are much simpler than that; he is the resurrection and, unbeknownst to Martha, he will bring him back to life just a few moments later.

The other gospel passage where we prominently see Martha is another time when Jesus comes to visit her family (verses 38-42, if you are curious). While Jesus is there telling the word of God, Mary sits at Jesus' feet while Martha does all the preparations for the meal.  Eventually, Martha complains to Jesus that Mary isn't helping with the preparations and imposes upon Jesus to get her to do so.  Jesus than repudiates Martha, telling her that we all have our places in life and that Mary has chosen the better half...to listen contently to the word of God, realizing He and all of His promises encompass everything we will ever need.

I find myself often being a Martha. Part of it comes from my family...my mom is DEFINITELY a Martha, and I'm sure I get much of my inability to sit down and restrain myself from helping at dinner parties from her.  But part of being a Martha means that I over think...everything.  I worry about what is to come before facing what is right in front of me.  Martha is a woman of great faith and trust in God, and I would like to think that I am the same. But I often get so caught up on everything around me I forget to focus in on the things that really matter.  Today my prayer is obviously to get through the bar exam, but to show the faith of Martha with the simplicity of Mary.  I have to remember that ultimately, this is not up to me anymore (nor was it ever really). I've done what I can do and the rest is up to the big guy upstairs...and as one of my friends put it...he is certainly big enough to handle this one exam.  Moreover, I know that no matter what happens, he has shown me time and time again that I won't be left to fend for myself.  "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat (or drink), or about your body, what you will wear.  Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?  Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them.  Are you not more important than they?"  (Matthew 6:25-26)

I thank you all for your prayers. I know the calm I'm feeling this morning is a direct result of that. I ask that you keep them up because I will certainly need them over the next 36 hours.

Thoughts from a more calm, but still nervous, me

Well, I'm in my hotel room at the conference center where the bar is being administered.  I'm a little calmer than when I wrote this morning, but rather than having a near panic attack, now I just have the butterflies.  Things are going to be okay...I've studied all I can and I probably know more than I realize.  Now I just have to apply it.  

I'll see you all on the flip side....

Terrified

I am scared out of my mind.  The test is here. I'm not performing well on my practice questions.  It seems that everyone else can rattle off more elements than I.  I have never been this scared about a test in my life.  

Dear Lord, please be with me. Please help me think through things clearly and correctly.  If it is your will that I not pass, please help me deal with that in a mature and positive manner.  Regardless, I know I can't do this without you, so please, just be there.

A day of stupid

Today was a day of stupid: me being stupid, other people being stupid, the whole world being stupid.

My first stupid move was to get up and go for a run. I haven't run in a week and a half (or worked out at all, for that matter) and something inside of me said thought that would be a good idea.  Wrong  Although I did 3.75 miles, a good portion of it was walked. And oh yeah, did I mention I didn't drink any water yesterday and it's about 400% humidity outside.  Stupid #1.

I think that stupid #1 was a significant factor in stupid #2: performing horrendously on the practice questions I did this morning.  Part of the stupidity is that many of my errors were just reading errors.  (That's where stupid #1 comes in...I'm just exhausted.)

Stupid #3: I bolt out of the library because I'm freaking myself out by my practice exam, and make my way to Kansas City to take care of a couple errands I MUST do before bar/ vacation.  On the way there, I stop at the public library to return some CDs I borrowed.  Unfortunately, I broke one of the CDs, but being the prudent person I am, I purchased another and took them in to tell them of my situation. But the library doesn't accept replacements...of the exact same thing.  They can get them somewhere else cheaper. What the hell?!  What does it matter if you can get it cheaper! I already bought it! Here it is! Just take it!  Now I'm stuck with a CD that I only mildly liked and had to purchase via bestbuy.com b/c it's not a common one.  That is the world's stupidest policy.

Stupid #4 On the way, stupid man with Louisiana plates, a trailer, and two confederate flags nearly causes me to get into an accident.  Then, when I pass him, he gives me the look of death and cuts me off so that he nearly avoids hitting a semi.

Stupid #5: I take my computer to the apple store (one of the errands I needed to do) and they basically tell me there is nothing wrong with it.  (Note: I did tell them how stressed I was, how I drove an hour to get there, and I had already done some preliminary work on my own and it wasn't helping and they let me see a mac genius when I didn't have an appointment.  Thank you Apple Store, seriously.) But, I got home this evening and the problem is still there. I may be going back soon.

Stupid #6: I get to my second errand and tell the lady the basic of what I need and I stare at her like a deer in headlights because I'm so tired I can't articulate what I need/ want.  This happens at least 3 times.

Stupid #7: I walk out of the mall and have no idea where my car is. Literally, no idea.  Please keep in mind, it is still 400% humidity out there.

So, now it's 9:18 p.m. on a Saturday night. The night before my last day of studying.  My second to last night in my house.  And I can't tell you how anxious I am to bid this stupid, stupid day adieu.  

3 down, 4 to go

This is day 4 of 12 hours of studying.  I'm exhausted, and I look like it, too.  More specifically, I look like I've been crying for days.  Last night was the first time (fortunately)  I started reviewing elements of certain things in my mind while sleeping (contract formation).  I also seem to be grinding my teeth a lot more at night, and if don't wear my retainers (yes, I still have retainers) my jaw hurts all the next day.  But overall I would say I'm doing pretty okay.  We are in the home stretch for sure.

Yesterday, after three years, was my last day at the library.  It was kind of anti-climactic both because 1) the bar and 2) there are SO many of us who are moving on and ending our tenure at the library this week.  I will miss my job.....never again will I get paid to sit and do whatever the heck I want.

If you're in Iowa...watch out. My 14 year-old brother got his permit two day ago.  He's proud b/c he only had to take the test once (which is one time less than I had to take it...but the first time, I only missed by ONE question).  He says he "beat" me. Well, I have a feeling he'll continue to beat me in a lot of things in life. That's just the way it's going to go.

Okay, on to studying.  Keep those prayers up!  They are helping!